I have been telling Tyler lately...

to walk softly on my heart. It does seem like that long ago that the young man you see today with a full beard was once my baby boy.

I didn't know what to do with him when I brought him home from the hospital. It was hard to imagine being responsible for this new life.

This was always one of my favorite pictures. I loved that face he used to make!

What a handsome boy he was!

I thought if I was going to embarrass him with some old pictures I better throw one in of myself.

Boy, was I mad at him when he took that chunk out of his hair! But it makes a cute picture now.

I have been reminiscing these past few weeks because I can not believe that the little boy I once held in my arms will be eighteen this year. You want them to chase their dreams but that means you have to let go, and I am finding that easier said than done. College is right around the corner and I find myself wondering how do I make it through graduation day?

Soon enough the day comes when he comes home and tells you about his girlfriend. It just crushes your heart. Not because you don't wish him happiness but because you realize that some day someone will become his bride. She will then become the most important woman in his life.

How I would love to hold on.

How I would love to go back and rock that baby boy to sleep.

How I would love to stop time just for a little while but I can't.

I have to learn how to embrace the changes that life brings.

My kids are going to grow up, I always knew that but what I don't know is how to fill the hole it leaves.

I can't always protect them. I can't stop them from being hurt. I can't prevent mistakes they will make. I can only hold them in my arms for a little while. I loved them first and I will always love them. I pray that I have taught them what they need to know when they head out in the world. I hope they know that they will always have a piece of my heart. I hope they know that I will be there for them as long as God gives me breath.

Oh, how I love you Tyler and I always will

but remember my heart is fragile

HANDLE IT WITH CARE!

A little humor

Okay, how about a little funny. Life doesn't always have to be so serious!

I miss my kids being little and learning to talk. It's funny that once they learn how to say a word right they don't seem to remember saying it wrong. Here is a list of some of the funny ways they used to pronounce some words.

The vocabulary of a Looman boy...

bow-gock; backpack used for carrying kids

twinkling; what it's doing outside when it is barely raining

cheese biggles; cheeseburgers

moat; milk...duh?

hojo; another word for cereal

Bit; for some reason, was what Joshua and Isaiah called Jacob?

Oh-no; what Isaiah called Joshua

Beemah; grandma

Bampaw; grandpa

For Peeten snakes; for Pete's sake

jimming pool; the swimming pool

sha-ber-rees; batteries

skew; screw

skew-guy-ger; would be a screwdriver

I ud you; I love you

res-ter-nont; restaurant

owe owe; oil

strawbiggies; strawberries

ho-tail; hotel

glubs; gloves

ockles; waffles

heggy; heavy

bice-ee; spicy

talkie; coffee

napcan; napkin

dip dop; is a flip flop

eye bulb; eye ball

Let's not forget...

Thomas and Jerry

"put another dime in the "juice" box baby"

Oh, how I miss those days...

Right where I need to be...

I know it's been said over and over again but with every passing day I find it's true.

As I look back at my life there are times I wanted to

~be someone else

~live somewhere else

~do something else

How I wanted to be rich when I was younger. I wanted to live in that big house like the kids I went to school with. I wanted my parents to get a new car just like everyone else. I was a kid, it was all about fitting in.

As I got older, I wanted to meet (who am I kidding, I wanted to marry) Jon Bon Jovi, Kirk Cameron, Joey Tempest...

Then, Tim McGraw, boy, was I mad when he married Faith Hill, Why? Because I stood a chance?!?!

As years passed, I wasted my time, never went to college, never got that big career, the one I dreamed about. I remember wanting to be a teacher, I remember my imaginary class, my grade book, each of my "students" (they even had their own personalities).

Life went on, I settled for that dead end job but it paid the bills. So, I kept it.

But, along the way, you don't think about the people who cross your path. How you are in their life whether you want to be or not, whether it's your dream job or not.

You are there.

Sometimes, I look back and remember the people that had an effect on my life. I met them right there where I was and where they were. Maybe, they were friendly maybe they weren't but they all had an impact.

Had I not been there, I wouldn't have met some of the best people in my life.

Had I not been there, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Had I not been there, I wouldn't have met the man I love.

Had I not been there, I wouldn't be here.

I believe that I am right where I am meant to be. Right here with people who need me and people I need.

Not rich people

Not famous people

But real people, people with problems, people who don't have it all together, people who love me and my imperfections.

Everyone needs someone to love them

Everyone needs someone to help them through

Everyone needs someone to hold on when they want to let go

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on

My life may have not turned out the way I planned. That big house, that new car, that fame, that job never happened but I have so much more. God has surrounded me by the people I need to be surrounded by.

And I can say without a doubt that

I know I am right where I need to be...

I wish I had all the answers...

For some reason lately Isaiah has been full of questions. Questions I don't have answers to. Here is an example of our conversation in the car traveling on Christmas day:

Mom, is Aunt Mandy's house blue?

Yes it is a bluish gray

Does she still live there with Uncle Jon?

No, she lives in Heaven

Why does she live in Heaven?

Because she went to live with Jesus

What does her house look like?

She lives in a big mansion now with streets made of gold

Why did she go live with Jesus?

(Bill please answer him because I can't)

Sometimes, God decides that it time for you to go live with him

Can I go see Aunt Mandy in Heaven?

Someday, God will call you and it will be your time

Will I see her when I get there?

Yes you will

But I don't know if I will remember what she looks like?

She will standing at the pearly gate waiting for you with her arms wide open. She will be the one calling you handsome because that's what she always called you

How will I get to Heaven? It's way up in the sky and I can't fly

Jesus will let you know when and He will call you

But what if I can't hear him?

You will buddy when it's your time but I hope it's not anytime soon

As I sit here typing this, he comes up to me with a present from yesterday and says, "I want to give this to Aunt Mandy, if I hold it up to the sky, will she reach down and get it?"

All I can do is smile and fight back the tears.

My baby was only two and a half when he lost her. He will miss out in this life on the opportunity to know the best aunt a child could ask for. But I will make sure he remembers her, I will make sure that when he gets to those pearly gates, he will know exactly who he's looking for!

It's been an emotional Christmas for me. Most days, I am okay but I can't handle the questions. I can't understand it either, how can I expect my kids to. It's been three and a half years but still feels like yesterday.

I never thought I would have to answer these questions. I always thought we'd laugh and cry together, complain about our husbands together, raise families together, grow old together.

Hug your kids, kiss your husband, call that relative, tell them you love them.

It's 9 AM but...

it feels like 9 PM!

I feel like I could sit down with a glass of wine but instead I will have another cup of coffee and write this post.

This past weekend, like almost every other weekend, has been jam packed.

As I sigh...I will continue...

Two out of three, of my youngest children decided to cut their own hair. My youngest, (you know him well because he is mentioned in almost every post) took a chunk out of his hair so close to his scalp there was no way to fix it, he now has a military buzz! The other one, my dear Jacob, took a chunk right out of the middle of his forehead, (sigh, again)! Do I have to mention he is nine! Why oh why does he do these things? I do not know...

So, he had to get a "not as short as Isaiah cut" but a pretty short cut. Then, poor Joshua, innocent in all of this had to be a victim of the short cut too because they all have to look alike.

All of this excitement happens just in time for Christmas pictures! I guess it will be a picture to talk about in years to come, "Remember the year...."

Yesterday, Isaiah turned six. I can not believe it. I get sad with every passing year. Every birthday, every kid, every year, I remember the day I had them and wish for a moment I could go back to that day and hold them again. Even though you enjoy every moment, seeing your kids grow up is hard on a mom.

Also yesterday, we were with Bill's family as they baptized their newest addition. What a precious little boy. As if I wasn't already an emotional mess, holding that little boy took me back to when my own kids were that little. Back to when they needed you for everything, you are their lifeline then they grow up...

Sigh, again!

Maybe I will have that glass of wine!

My dilemma

So, anyone who has been around my children knows that they are 100% boy. I am glad they are tough little boys. But sometimes that "tough" makes my life a little tough!

Isaiah's teacher asked to talk to me yesterday. My heart sunk, first thing in my mind was "Oh no, what could he have done?" Knowing Isaiah, it could be anything! He hasn't developed that filter yet. I had so many thoughts going through my head, I was sick.

I met with her and she said that another parent had called the principal because Isaiah kicked her son. My first thought was what am I going to do with that kid! Then, she went on to say when and where it happened. Isaiah wasn't there at that time.

Do I think it happened? It very well could have. I am not foolish to believe he isn't capable of doing it. He can be a monster, I say that with love because he is my monster! But I have seen him in action.

Do I think that the whole truth is being told? No, I don't. I think it was a game of push and shove and someone had to take the blame.

I am not defending my son, I wasn't there to see it and I will deal with it appropriately but I am upset that because of this, he has to go to the principals office. Because the parent called the school, it is procedure.

I sat Isaiah down after school yesterday and talked to him. He didn't deny the accusation but said they were both messing around. I told him he was going to have to go to the principals office at school today, he cried and cried. My heart broke to see the fear in his face. After we talked some more he said he doesn't want to go to kindergarten anymore and wants to go back to preschool. I had to be tough when I wanted to cry with him and explain to him it is a hard lesson learned. He has to learn when to walk away and when it's time to find different friends. He is 5, he doesn't understand, everyone is his friend.

I sit here upset today, crying, thinking of how scared my baby is today. I keep telling myself the same thing another teacher told me, it may be an eye opener. Maybe, he will see the importance of listening and walking away.

I know I am not a perfect parent, I didn't write this to hear what a good mom I am because I know I can do better. I write this because I love those boys and it hurts me to see them hurt and scared. It helps me sort through my thoughts and to put how I feel in writing.

I have a lot of mixed feelings over this situation. I wonder why it wasn't something the teacher wasn't told about first? Why was it brought right to the principal? I will never say it was okay for him to do what he did if he did it, he will face consequences for his behavior. But I also will stand by the way I feel, I wouldn't have got the principal involved unless there was bruises, blood or broken bones. Or if it was an ongoing thing.

Kids are going to be kids, I know that my kids have been on the other side of it too. They have came to me as the "victim." My response is to stay away from that person, if it continues, we can deal with it. Most of the time, it doesn't happen again.

I am making myself crazy over this, feeling like I have failed somewhere. I have always said they might drive me crazy at home but I can handle that as long as they are good at school. This is a first, none of my kids have ever been sent to the principals office.

A lot has happened since...

my last post.

My Jacob turned nine. I will never forget the day we had him. I remember how Bill took his time getting out of the house and decided to drive the speed limit on the way to the hospital. I don't know why he didn't believe me when I told him we were going to have a baby. Twenty minutes after we get to the hospital, there was Jacob. I really don't think he has stopped since. He walked at nine months, has always gotten up early and just been a nonstop bundle of energy (we like to call it "spaz"). I couldn't imagine a day without him. He is a bit of a handful but he is a good hearted kid and genuinely cares about others.

Let's see...my birthday decided to come and I had to turn 39. All I can say is YIKES! I hear 40 knocking. I guess as long as I don't feel it or look it, I'm okay? Right?

Also, my friend Delilah decided to move away. I didn't think it would be so hard, especially, in this day and age with Facebook and cell phones but it is. She is that friend who probably knows too much about me but didn't run away. She is the friend you could have an argument with and the next day it was like it never happened. Good friends are hard to come by...

Speaking of good friends, we had a clambake. I am not sure why we had a clambake since the main reason to have one is to eat clams and no one really liked clams...

It was fun. It is a group of people I love to get together with. Next time, we won't be doing a clambake though!

We have just been crazy busy. Football is a huge commitment but the boys love it. We will cook dinner again someday :)

Days keep coming, time goes so fast, I wish I could hold on to it!

Hopefully, it won't be over a month before I post again!